Sunday, July 27th, 2008
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12:42 am
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My life started to fall apart the day it started again. The day I got married I became unhappy and spent the night alone on the floor in my daughters room. After that it wasnt great. And my husband saw hatred for him in my eyes four days after that.. Since then nothing has been ok. Everything is a big bother. Just an annoyance that I cant get rid of. I wake up mad because I go to bed mad. I dont want to cuddle. I dont want to hug or kiss. I dont want to have sex. I go through the motions because I have to be a wife. I made vows... Sometimes I love him. Other times I wonder if I really do or if marrying him was just a huge mistake. I never wanted to get a divorce. It was never an option before we got married. But now being in an unhappy marriage I dont know what to do. I hate when he tells people things are good and being married is good; that we are happy. I dont trust my husband. He lost it a long time ago when I found out he lied to me. I understand why he lied and it wasnt the worst lie in the world. But no lie is a good lie. To me, if you can lie about something small you can lie about something big. He got rid of myspace before because he thought it caused problems. I didnt agree. Then I broke up with him and he put it back on. Since then he has left it on. He doesnt tell me when he gets a message from a girl. And I hate it now because I dont trust him, because he started it when he was single, and because I dont know these girls.
I no longer really have guy friends. I got rid of the one guy I really talked to because he has feelings for me. Dan wanted me to stopped talking to him so I did. No hesitation. But now I feel like I really have no one to talk to. I have other friends but no one I was really able to turn to all the time who would listen no matter what. I got rid of my best friend and it really feels like I have no one to turn to or talk to anymore. Which I dont mean to complain because I did it for my husband. And in no way do I want to throw it in his face and I havent. But I have no way to really vent now. Which makes me want to cut myself. And I cant do that because my husband doesnt like it. Just like a lot of other things about me. I dont understand sometimes why he married me with how much he complains. I mean I get mad at a lot of things, mostly because I'm unhappy, but some things like smoking I will always hate. I have been wondering why I love him. Why I married him if I knew I didnt trust him and he makes me so mad all the time. Why? I hate his past... Mostly I hate that I know so much about it. It makes me wonder about other things that I really dont want to know. It makes me feel better that it seems I have no past. Certain things should not be brought up in a new relationship but he has. I go crazy internally because the thoughts echo all the time. And I love my daughter but she is a handful. I can no longer just have my days where I need to just lay in bed and cry all day to unwind. I cant sleep anymore... I need to go before I do something stupid...
current mood:  jealous
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Tuesday, May 20th, 2008
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9:04 pm
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I dont really know what I'm feeling right now. Distant I guess. Its purely indescribable.
So things with Dan arent great. I just dont feel the same. I have moments of love for him and then its just weird. like I dont know how to feel with him. At times I'm uncomfortable. At times its forced. At times its just comfortable but not love. I dont know.. Nothing is the same anymore. I just feel distant. I dont want to hold him or to be touched by him or even to cuddle or to have sex at times. Its all very strange. But there is something that is keeping me with him. Something that I cant leave. I dont have the best opinion about him at all. I think he is a pervert and the typical guy and I do not trust him. It actually sickens me a lot. I cant get thoughts out of head and I come up with more. There are reminders everywhere!!! I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it!!!!!
Since I told Dan about Eric haunting my thoughts it has been a lot better. He is rarely there now. And it is quite relieving. I feel I accomplished something and am really getting the closure I never had before.
I feel I am trying very hard with Dan. Trying to be happy. Trying not to be too distant. Trying to show affection. Trying to love him again. I know he wants things to be better. I know he has to sleep for work and I know he has other things to do than be with me. But going everyday the same way its always been doesnt seem like trying to me. Maybe I am just choosing not to see it. But I dont feel it. I know he wants to help and make up for his mistakes but its obvious he doesnt know how. Maybe I'm waiting for something that wont happen. Who knows. We will see. But I do know that I can not help someone show their effort to fix their mistakes. i cant help someone show their love. If they cant do it then that says a lot.
current mood: disappointed
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(comment on this)
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Sunday, May 18th, 2008
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10:19 pm - Enough is enough!
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Its all becoming too much. So much shit has happened and I dont know if its able to be fixed. It feels like the same thing over and over. There are reminders of the bad thoughts everywhere. If I try to escape it, it just pops right back up and ruins everything. If I do get mad at certain times, I just have to deal with it because Dan is busy or is going to sleep. And when he is going to sleep I cant disturb him. Not that it does any good if I do because he just ends up falling asleep mid convo anyway. I almost left yesterday. I actually called it off but like always he talked me back into staying. He said he would try and make everything better. Same shit different day. At least thats how it feels sometimes. I know I'm trying. Trying not to think about it. Trying to continue a relationship without being miserable and distant the whole time, where we dont touch or kiss... I dont know. I got flowers which are so pretty. And he says sorry all the time but what does that really do? Sorry for what? Everything? wow thanks.. that fixes everything....
Sorry I cant get over things that much. If you really want my trust back I need a lot more than that. I need to see the effort. I need to feel over the top special. And so far I havent. So far its the same as every other "small" argument we have had... And right now I am upset, you know I'm upset and you roll over like always and fall asleep. So once again I sit here with tears in my eyes and I have no kind of support. All I have in my head are the fucking bad thoughts and images that you put there! I will not continue with a relationship like this. Things need to change..Maybe you need to see what its really like without me for a while. Will I be more appreciated then?
current mood: unappreciated
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Tuesday, May 6th, 2008
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11:12 am - Letting go to give my all
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I have been getting things from Eric where he tells me that he was stupid for letting me go and he would change things or that he still has feelings for me and stuff like that. And its been driving me crazy. Dan knows all about it but he didnt know that Eric still haunted me. That I still get reminded of him from songs and stuff. Just stupid little things. He knew that Eric broke my heart but I never really talked about it. Just little things here and there about our relationship. But last night Eric sent me pictures of himself from when we were together. And I told him not to send them to me anymore. I deleted all the pictures I had of just him. I told Dan that I do still have some pictures of us but only for Samantha when she gets older. He was ok with that. Anyways.. last night I got really sad and woke Dan up to talk and tell him everything.
I told him that Eric is in my head. and that it all still hurts me so much. Its not that I love Eric or want to be with him again because I dont. But I told him I dont get it because he shouldnt be in my head anymore. And I asked him if it was wrong for me to not want Eric with other girls, he told me yes. I told Dan that I hated the thought of Eric giving other girls everything I wanted from him and didnt get. I realized last night that he is still in my head because how he hurt me made me so insecure. Eric made me think that there was something wrong with me, that I didnt do something right and thats why I didnt get the attention and love that I wanted from him. I never got my one day from him.. and that was big for me. It hurt so bad and all I ever wanted to know was WHY??? I felt I needed reassurance from Eric that it wasnt me.
I didnt feel special with Eric.
Dan was scared that I wanted to leave him to try with Eric again or that I still had feelings for him. I reassured him that it wasnt that. But I felt I needed to tell him to get past this before we got married so I can really give him my all.
Dan I am not leaving you. I love you so much. You make me feel so loved and special. You tell me I am the most beautiful girl on earth and how lucky you are to have me. You are always there for me. You are so good to me. I love you and you make me happy. I want to be able to give you all of me. And I know that once we get married we are in this together for good. Neither of us consider divorce an option. We are great together. And talking to you and opening up to you helped so much. I dont want to hide anything from you. We both make mistakes and I am so sorry for mine. We really let everything out last night and I know we can get through it. I love you baby. You mean so much to me. I am going to see you in a little bit and I cant wait to just be in your arms. I love you!
current mood:  optimistic
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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Saturday, May 3rd, 2008
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3:16 pm - Lost in emotions
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I'm engaged. And for most people that is the happiest day of their life. But mine wasnt. It started off bad. I got to hear about Dan's one myspace date. Which actually quite sickens me along with all the other stories and thoughts he has put in my head. then i was alone for hours. he came back with a little jewlery bag and flaunted it in my face, teased me with it. But then he was the one who broke and opened it. He said he couldnt wait. So he got down and asked me to marry him. At first I wasnt sure if he was serious but I said yes. We were happy for a while.. Then he got drunk which started off funny. Then he got into his transformers which I swear he loves more than me... oh joy.. and i found out how many more geeky transformer tattoos he wants to get. I didnt like it. I would like to be able to see my husbands skin. Not just and inch here and there when his clothes are off. As it is I honestly dont like how many he has now.. Sorry baby... And then as time went on.. I asked him about the other bad thoughts and what not.. In the end I was crying. Just like I am now...
I dont want my boyfriend to remember private details about the past girls he was with. Which I know to some extent he wont ever forget but I cant give detail like that. And then to say that she is his friend still and whatever.. ugh..
I dont know how much more I can take.
Did I make the wrong decision?
Do I really know the man I'm with?
Do I want to spend the rest of my life with that type of guy?
I dont know what to do.
I dont know if I can get past these thoughts.
I had the same thing with Eric which eventually destroyed us.
Is the same thing going to happen with Dan?
I'm just not happy...
current mood:  confused
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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Monday, April 28th, 2008
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8:06 pm
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I love you Dan so much! I am excited to move in with you. You make me so happy. I am sorry that my family is trying to cause problems. They should just worry about their own problems instead of starting shit with us. I know how you are. That you are a good guy and arent controlling. I'm not going to let them and their opinions affect us. I love you and thats what matters. You treat me good. Everyone else can see they. I hope one day they can. If not oh well.. we will just be happy without them. I love you babe. I cant wait to see you again and spend the weekend with you. I love just watching tv in your arms. I love joking around with you. I love how you are with Sam. I just love being with you. Everything. :)
I love you Daniel.
XOXOXOXOX
current mood:  loved
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(comment on this)
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Tuesday, April 15th, 2008
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5:13 pm - Need Strength..
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How do you forget the past to move forward with the future?
How do you let go of all the pain to be happy and trusting?
Why wont I let myself be completely happy?
Why do I look for the bad?
Do I really want things to work out?
Or do I just wait for them to fail like they always do?
I don't know what I'm doing anymore..
I don't know how I feel or what I want...
It hurts to live...
Especially when you already feel dead inside...
cx cxx cxkaz
cxcvc```sazc/.
';;,7I]'
NG V` BV YVC`H FDC BV`V C` CCCCC``FD`T````````````````. SXCX /FV N HV
MVYHG MVBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBVYVBBVC`Y
D"cF`C` ````````````````````````````````````F`T```````````````````C``VC` VCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCVC V ,., . [P[ CF CCF[Y N
(THATS A MESSAGE FROM SAM)
current mood:  pissed off
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(comment on this)
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Monday, April 7th, 2008
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11:47 am - Gotta forget...
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I am happy. Today is mine and Dan's one month anniversary! I got to wake up next to him and spend the morning with him. He is so great. I wasnt so sure we were going to even make it to a month but I am so glad that we did. I cant wait for a month to turn into a year and so on..
Dan and I were play fighting over the weekend.. lol.. he has a black eye and I have a few small bruises. We laughed the whole time. It was great. I have fun with him. I feel kinda bad about punching him in the eyes though lol.. But he is stronger than me and has a much greater advantage!
I have bad thoughts about his past. I cant get the images out of my head. I got really upset that he told me the stories of other girls. And now thats all I think about. It just replays over and over. I hate it. I dont want to see it or think about it. I wish I never knew. But I know I have to try to forget and let them go because if I dont they are going to ruin our relationship. I dont want that. I dont know how to get rid of them...
bleh!
I also found out that he was talking to another girl or girls when I broke up with Mike for him. Trying to get her number and I know he thinks she is hot because he told me.. I dont really know what to think about that.
At that time he was telling me to be with him and that he was falling for me but he was still looking and flirting with other girls?
I dont know
I am happy with Dan. I know if I marry him I will not regret it. Him and I are on the same page about getting married and divorce and what not. I am really confident that him and I could work and last. I will be so happy when he proposes.
He wants a baby. lol which I am not ready to have another one but he always says he is trying to get me pregnant. But I am on birth control and he gets that look in his eye when I miss a day. lol.. Samantha gave him baby fever... yikes!
I love you Dan!!
Happy Anniversary Baby!
XOXOXOXOXOXOX
current mood: loved
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Thursday, March 27th, 2008
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11:26 pm
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Dan is great. He treats me wonderfully and loves me so much. He takes care of Sam. We have our misunderstandings and whatnot but thats normal.. And our last falling out I opened up. I talked which I usually do not do when I'm so down. I get into a dark hole that I just cant see myself getting out of. He stayed there, didnt walk away or blow me off. He supported me and in the end helped me so much more. It made me trust him more and love him more. I have every confidence that we would work. He reassures me all the time. He is amazing. Simple as that. We work.
So why am I doubting things? I love him. He makes me happy. Makes me feel like I'm the only girl he sees. Whats wrong with me? I know I'm scared of the past repeating itself but I dont think Dan would hurt me that way. He wants to give me everything I dreamed of and more.
Whats the problem? Why am I still so hesitant? Is this not what I really want? Does it get better than this? Is that even possible?
I dont know what is wrong with me... It feels so right and other times it feels so wrong..
I dont know.
I love you Dan. You are the best.
Are you sure you want me?
Why do you not have any doubts?
current mood: confused
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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Tuesday, March 18th, 2008
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9:24 pm - FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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What is it with my life that everything seems to go wrong? There always seems to be something going wrong or things to bring me down?
Why do I never feel good enough?
I think everything would be so much better with me dead...
current mood:  contemplative
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(comment on this)
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Monday, March 17th, 2008
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4:30 pm
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So last week sucked! I never want to go through that again. And I learned a lesson from it.
Dan really helped me through. Thank you baby! I got sick a couple times and he took care of me.
I feel like such a sissy when im sick of in pain. haha it sucks. I hate throwing up though. Besides it helping with weight, it sucks! Anyways yeah..
Thank you babe for everything. You give me so much. You show your love constantly. It makes me feel so good. I hope I do the same for you. Sometimes I feel like I dont do enough. And I feel soooooo bad for hitting your tattoo! you have no idea...
Its weird though. I wanted you to be able to read my journal, but then at times I feel restricted. Like I cant or shouldnt write certain things because i know you will read them. I have yet to do that though. Soo I'm just going to write them to you and hope that they dont hurt you.
I love you babe. And we talk about me moving in with you and then getting married. Which I am not against but I am hesitant. I already talked to you about moving in and you helped ease my worries. but I cant help it still. And I am hesitant getting married even though I want to. Its scary still. After being so hurt and being alone for a year and then just junping into things. and there are times that you really remind me of Eric. I know you dont want to hear that but yeah.. and that scares me even more! or when you say or do certain things.. :( I dont want to push you away. I dont want to leave. But I feel stuff like that pulls me away. I hate it. I dont want to compare you or be reminded of anything from my past... Its hard..
anyways.. im so happy to be with Sam. I love her so much.
I love you babe. I love being with you and Sam. And she loves being at your home. And she better not say dada before she says mama!
current mood: indescribable
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Friday, March 14th, 2008
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3:13 pm - My love
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I wouldnt trade you for anything!
I love you so much.
current mood: happy
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(comment on this)
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Wednesday, March 12th, 2008
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9:41 pm - He is my medicine
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Ive been pretty down lately... And I'm sorry love for scarying you and making you think I was leaving you. I dont push you away at those bad times because I am leaving you. I do it so I dont leave you. I would regret that so much.
Dan has been coming over. Yesterday he came and he gave me a framed picture of him, me and Sam, red roses and candy. I loved the flowers. They are so pretty. I have them out in the living room so I can see them all the time. We had such a good time together. And he came over today just for a little bit and we just held each other and talked. I was still in my pjs with my hair pulled back and no makeup and he still told me I was beautiful. He makes me smile and feel better. I wish i felt as beautiful as he makes me sound.
I am good right now. I am talking to him right now. I love him so much. We are getting our tattoos colored on Saturday. I'm so excited. And then we are going to reno. Who knows, maybe get married.. haha..
I love you babe.
I'll see you tomorrow.
current mood: happy
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(comment on this)
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Tuesday, March 11th, 2008
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7:30 pm - There is always something..
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Monday, March 10th, 2008
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10:40 pm - Beauty...
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I used to have most of these icons... i miss them
current mood: three parts dead
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(comment on this)
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8:59 pm - Emptiness...
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I am down.. I'm not really sure why. I hate how everyone expects there to be something wrong and for you to have something to talk about. I dont. I just have bad days. Where suddenly I drop and I fall into my state of depression. I have no emotion. I have nothing to say. I'm sorry! Fuck..
I havent cut in so long. I have been so good. But it is so tempting. I would love just to get up and find the biggest blade I can and run it across my wrist and arm. Just straight down. Not enough to kill myself but just to experience it again. I want to bleed.
Its hard.. I dont like this feeling. This black hole I get in..
But it happens.
And i dont express this side in front of people.. sorry...
I just cant
current mood: depressed
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(comment on this)
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3:47 pm - You're the one that I want
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Babe, you are perfect for me. No relationship is perfect and we will both at some point say the wrong things. The important thing is that we can get past it together. I love you for you. Flaws are make you who you are and I love them too. You are the best.
I love waking up with you as well. I love having you hold me and cuddling. I love waking up to you and being able to say I love you. I love just laying there with you. I love spending the day talking and laughing and joking with you. It is such a great feeling being with you.
Thank you for treating me so well. Thank you for loving Sam and treating her as your own daughter. You are a great dad. I love watching you with her. Feeding her and trying to change her diaper. I cant believe she went to you more than she came to me yesterday though! lol she cant like you more than me! I want to be the most important! :)
I know you are scared. I have fears too. But babe I love YOU! So unless something horrible happens or certain things happen you will not lose me. I want to be with you! I want to ease your fears. I try to reassure you but I dont know if it works.
Its me and you now..
This is something I never want to give up.
I want to be Mrs Dan hehe
current mood:  giddy
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Saturday, March 8th, 2008
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9:59 pm - My Love...
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"Something Like You"
So many times I thought I held it in my hands
but just like grains of sand
love slipped through my fingers
so many nights I asked the Lord above
Please make me lucky enough to find a love that lingers
Something keeps telling me that you could be my answered prayer
you must be heaven sent, I swear
cuz...
Something happens when you look at me I forget to speak
something happens when you kiss my mouth my knees get so weak
could it be true is this what God has meant for me?
cuz baby I can't believe...that something like you could happen to me
yeah yeah...something like you
Girl in your eyes I feel your fire burn
oh your secrets I will learn
even if it takes forever
with you by my side i can do anything
I don't care what tomorrow brings as long as we're together
my heart is telling me that you could be my meant to be
I know it more each time we touch
cuz...
Something happens when you look at me I forget to speak
something happens when you kiss my mouth my knees get so weak
could it be true is this what God has meant for me?
cuz baby I can't believe...that something like you could happen to me
Something magical (something magical)
something spiritual (something spiritual)
something stronger than the two of us alone
something physical
something undeniable (undeniable)
nothing like anything (anything) that i've ever known
cuz...
Something happens when you look at me I forget to speak
something happens when you kiss my mouth my knees get so weak
could it be true is this what God has meant for me?
cuz baby I can't believe...that something like you could happen to me
Something happened...ohhhh, can't believe that you happened to me
hey yeah...
current mood: loved
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(comment on this)
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3:09 pm - I am set
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I didnt think that I would fall in love this quick. I cant believe it happened. Dan is perfect for me. He is everything I ever wanted in a man. He is amazing. I have never been happier when I am with him and Sam. I am the luckiest girl in the world.
Sam and I spent the day with Dan again. We just talked and watched tv and played with Sam. I got tired so Sam and I took a nap. When I woke up Dan was there and he came and held me and kissed me and then He whispered in my ear that he loves me. It was the best feeling. At that moment everything was right. And I said it back because I mean it. And I never want to stop saying it. He makes me the happiest girl. Everything is wonderful with him. I feel safe and wanted and loved. And he is great with Samantha. She likes him too. She is happy at his house. He calls himself daddy. and tries to get her to say dada which it sounded like she did a couple times. lol. I call him daddy. I love my new family. I couldnt ask for more. Samantha and I stayed the night with him. It was the best sleeping with the two most important people in my life. And waking up next to both of them.
I am going to marry Dan. I cant wait to be his wife. To be a family with Samantha and have us another kid.
I love you Dan. You are the best man for me. I couldn't ask for better. There isnt better. I cant wait to be with you for the rest of my life. I am so lucky to have you. Thank you for treating me and Samantha like we are in a fairy tale. You are my prince. And you are going to be the best dad. I love you
current mood: loved and in love
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(comment on this)
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Thursday, March 6th, 2008
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10:35 pm - Its a forever thing..
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I'm falling for you harder than I thought I could ever again..
I ..... you!!!!
current mood: loved
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